


Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

by CrashBagPhoto



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Flashbacks, Gen, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-15 00:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5764546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrashBagPhoto/pseuds/CrashBagPhoto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't remember where, but i saw a post wondering about what Steve's reaction would be when he realized he could've jumped off the train and survived. Well, here's my take, in a 500 word ficlet. *Credit to whoever had that idea* Pre CA: The Winter Soldier. </p><p>Or</p><p>Steve Rogers needs several hugs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Steve could’ve saved him. He could’ve saved Bucky. He survived the plane crash. He could definitely survive the fall had he gone after Bucky. He could’ve. He should’ve. 

But now he was lying in bed at three in the morning, staring at a ceiling that never gave a crap about him before, so why would it now? He hadn’t slept all night, not since the idea took root in his mind. He’d been working logistics, the math, trying to prove to himself that he was wrong because he couldn’t have let Bucky die, he couldn’t have. 

But he did. 

Steve Rogers let his best friend die. 

The tears had started before Steve even knew what was happening. The salty sting on his cheeks was a strange and foreign feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time. Captain America couldn’t afford to cry. But Steve Rogers certainly could. 

He cried until laying down became unbearable, and then he sat up to cry some more until that became unbearable too. He was out of his bed before he even knew what was happening, stumbling blindly to the bathroom and knocking over a dozen things on the way. 

But he didn’t hear the lamp shatter on the ground, or the toothbrush in the cup on the sink fall into the toilet. All he could hear was the wind howling around his head, the blood pumping in his ears, the fear sinking in his stomach, and Bucky’s scream. Again and again it played until Steve was ready to let loose a scream of his own. He was shaking on the ground, curled into a ball with his back thudding again and again into the wall, his head breaking the plaster as he tried in vain to get that image out of his head but it wouldn’t go it wouldn’t leave him alone, it was there and it was his fault and- 

“Steve, shit, Steve I need you to calm down, alright? Take a deep breath, okay? You’re here, with me. It’s 2015. Your name is Steve Rogers. Your safe. Can you repeat that to me? Come on Steve, stop banging your head. Say it okay? It’s October 5th, 2015. Your name is Steve Rogers. You are safe.” 

Slowly, Steve was brought out of the memory, the….flashback. Back into 2015, the time that made no sense, none at all. 

Sam was crouched in front of him, hands out in surrender. He was as far as he could get while still being in the little bathroom, somehow knowing Steve needed space. 

“I killed him,” Steve whimpered, hugging himself. Now that he was coming back into himself, he could feel the shame and guilt starting to creep in. Captain America didn’t whimper. 

“No, you didn’t.” 

“I could’ve gone after him. I could’ve survived. I could’ve saved him.” The tears were back, but they didn’t scream panic anymore. Just the dull ache of acceptance. 

“Yea, I guess you could’ve,” Sam sighed. He knew better than to lie. Steve sniffled, wiping his face. Fear and anxiety were replaced by cold determination, stifling dread and grief. 

He took a deep breath, then another. He was Captain America. He could survive this. But…

He’d killed Bucky.

**Author's Note:**

> First fic posted here. I think it's bad, but hey, let me know.


End file.
